It has been awhile since I’ve written a blog post, mainly because I couldn’t actually get into my blog. But in reality, it’s because I have been trying to figure out how to write this.
My mom passed away earlier this year. I had been her main caregiver since 2018, and although times were not so easy, I would not have changed a thing. She cared for me and my sister our whole lives, until she couldn’t anymore, so I did.
I read an article on The Cut recently where this woman was upset with her mother because she believes her to be “self-centered and immature”. Her mother is in her 70’s and is acting “selfish” in her eyes, and the daughter wants to limit or end her relationship with her. The author of the article (Kathryn Jezer-Morton) said this, which I hope opens the daughter’s eyes:
“I tend to think about our relationship with our parents as having two phases: the one when they are alive and the one you have with them when they’re dead. Anything can happen while they are alive. You can say things that will surprise them and vice versa. Incredible, the way we’re able to keep surprising each other even after we’ve written each other off. When they’re dead, all you can do is live with what you did and didn’t say.”
Kathryn Jezer-Morton, The Cut
I am glad that I had these five years with my mom, here in our home in Arizona. As difficult as it was to care for her at times, especially during her dialysis dementia phase, I don’t regret a thing. Because when we finally figured out what she needed and she was back on track by going on dialysis, she was a delight! All she wanted was to go to the casino, and visit San Diego occasionally, which we were able to do for her.
Last December, she had to go into a skilled nursing facility because she contracted Covid and needed additional care. She was improving and was slated to come home in April of this year. During that time, she was going to her regular dialysis center, and I had heard from her dialysis techs and nurses that she had been talking about “going to be with her husband”. But she started to get stronger, and could stand on her own, and was finally nearly ready to come home.
Sadly, she had another infection, and needed a hospital stay. There, she refused to eat and although I finally had convinced her to do so, she was getting weaker. I called her that week to say hi and that I would stop by when I got back from San Jose. She remembered that I was going to see Depeche Mode and told me to have fun. While I was there, I called the hospital just before dinner-time, and they told me she was doing well and ate her lunch. I went to the concert knowing she was in good hands.
Early the next morning, I received a call from the hospital that my mom was not responding as she normally would, and that the doctor needed to talk to me. I was told she had several mini-strokes during the night. I asked what her chances of having a normal life would be, and he gave me the grave news that she would not have any quality of life.
After I returned to Arizona, we called my sister, brother-in-law and niece, as well as the remaining patriarch of our family, my Uncle Narding and his wife, my Auntie Nanette. They came up immediately, and we all said our goodbyes. After they all left, my mom continued to hang on.
It was not long that we could tell the end was coming close. So I spent some time with her alone, explaining that we are going to be ok, and that she should be with dad now. That she raised us well, and we will do just fine because she did a great job guiding us. I think I saw her last breath, and after about 30 minutes after we left the hospital, they called us back and said she was gone.
I miss her. I miss her so much. But I’m also happy that I was able to have time with her, that we all were able to have time with her. I know she’s telling my dad all about their grandchildren, proud of everything we have become.
